Graduation

Graduating is scary. I don't think I've been so scared in my whole life. Making sure everything is done and leaving your school and your friends. Then, for some, leaving your home and your family. It's sad and it's difficult. But in places like Michigan, it's necessary.

I think being done with school is as difficult as it is because you are losing an identity that you have had almost your entire life. As a student. After 16 years of being in school, all you've ever been for the most part is a student. There's just such a safeness in it. You have your parents still and aren't expected to take care of yourself completely. You're surrounded by others your age who are going through many of the same things you are. You have teachers and mentors and professors to help you along the way. You have health insurance through your parents.

Leaving school just felt like such a loss. Don't get me wrong. Graduating was one of the best experiences of my life. I can't even begin to describe how proud I felt on that day. It was amazing. I'm sure it will be a long time before I feel that kind of emotional high again. Getting to walk across the stage at Van Andel Arena was so cool. A place usually reserved for huge concerts and instead 10,000 students are celebrating an accomplishment together.

I miss my family. I miss them so much. I cried for weeks before I left. Weeks. I still cry now, when I think about it. I try not to think about it too much. And call my family every couple days. I miss my brother and sister-in-law and niece. My parents. My grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. I miss my friends. What makes me quite sad is that in the past couple years my sister-in-law and I have gotten pretty close and our relationship has changed a lot. I look up to her a lot, she's an amazing mother and wife. And she and I can just talk for hours, and it's always great. I'm sad that I had to leave these things behind. For the first time ever, a week or so before I left, my niece came and laid on the couch with me to snuggle. She's never done that with me before and it made me so happy. She is a child who is always moving. Even when she was an infant she didn't want to be cuddled or snuggled often. She wanted to MOVE and STRETCH. She's a beautiful girl. I have never, ever loved a child like I love her. I wasn't sure if it was possible for me, to be honest. I've never been around children or babysat or liked them even. But she's amazing. And I admire my brother so much. He is such a great person. And my parents are my parents. I love and miss them so much. They are my source of advice and comfort.

Now, in Virginia, I sit and look for jobs. It tears my brain apart to wait for people to call me for interviews or to know if I've been hired or not. It should get better soon. I hope.