Long time no see.

So a lot's happened since last summer. For a long time all that was happening was lots of work. And work is good.

I was promoted to editor of the newspaper I work for. That's crazy and strange but good I suppose. I can't really complain about it. It's a lot of work but it's worthwhile. When my publisher told me of his plans I laughed. That was my reaction. It's just that I'm pretty young and not out of college that long but there you have it. It just sort of happened. And it was all stuff I was already doing because of our shrinking staff.

Steve and I celebrated six years together. Woo, a long time. Still no ring, but that's ok. Eloping is looking better every day. Funny thing is there's this beautiful ring I want that's earth friendly and inexpensive and I'm absolutely in love with it. Showed it to Steve and he says it's too cheap to be a "real" engagement ring. I told him he can always upgrade to a "real" ring later but he doesn't agree. It's just so strange. Doesn't want to buy me a ring after six years (though talks about our future family and planning for our future), but oh wait - we just bought a condo together. *Sigh.* I love him. He's wonderful. And I know he loves me. And I know it's a forever thing. It's just after six years how much more patient could I be?

That's the other big thing that's happened since I last posted. We bought property! Yay! We moved from 0@kt0n to R3st0n and were able to find a great two-bedroom place in town center. It's nice knowing we'll get to live in one place for more than a year. After moving every year in college, moving frequently with my mom growing up (yay for a single-mom salary), and then moving every year we lived here it'll be great to have some stability. We took down popcorn ceilings. Had the place thoroughly cleaned (HVAC and carpets), painted and now we're finishing up the moving stuff and unpacking stuff.

I love it here. Life is actually quite good right now. Such a contrast from last winter, which is nice. But it's late so I'm off.

Back from my 1,600 mile trip.

I drove a long way by myself and I didn't die. Awesome. :D

I went home to Michigan for a week and a half. It was a great experience. I drove 1,600 miles all by myself! I spent a couple days with a good friend from college and had dinner with another college friend. Went to all my favorite places, met with some friends from home, had both my favorite foods that my grandmothers make. And I got to spend an entire week with my two gorgeous nieces. They are four years old and seven weeks old and incredible little ladies.

Now it's my first day back at the office. Things are going well so far. Getting things done and getting back into the swing of things. We're working on uploading the content to our new Web site that will launch in just under two weeks. It's supposed to be complete by tomorrow and we're trying to upload 18 months of news content in a day. Eak. Plus, the server keeps crapping out on us so I've done... one issue worth of content. Oh well. It'll be something monotonous to get me back into the grind and I can easily do it at home.

I'll do a photo post of my amazing nieces and my wonderful trip shortly.

In the meantime I've become addicted to the Twilight series. I wrote an article for our paper when the last book came out about a year ago. I hadn't even heard about it up until then. Then one of my then-coworkers (who is a few years older than me) started reading the entire series. She finished them by the time the first movie came out and convinced me to go to the midnight showing with her on a Thursday night. I'm sure our boss/editor was thrilled at that decision. Now I'm finally reading the series even though I've had the first book since Christmas. It's good summer reading but it's not the most excellent writing. I guess that's what happens when it's a good story. It seems to be mostly ... lusty.

It's been a while. I'm freaking out again.

So I know I've abandoned this blog for a bit. I want to continue writing in it. It's more honest than the blog that's available to my family and friends.

It's been a year and a half or so since I've written. I moved to Northern Virginia, within three weeks I found a job in journalism and things have been going well. About 11 months later I then became the only writer at my paper and had a bit of a mental breakdown during the past winter. Things are good and back to normal. Steve has been amazingly supportive. We moved from a more suburban community to one closer to the city/D.C. and we love it. It's a great area.

Tomorrow I'm making my first trip home to Michigan by myself. I've never driven alone for so long (it's a 10-11 hour trip) and I'm scared outta my pants! I've made this trip quite a few times since moving here but always with Steve. The longest I've been at the wheel at once is five hours and the most I've driven in a day by myself is six (three hours from Grand Rapids, Mich. to Detroit and back). I'm an anxious, freaked out, hot mess. I have anxiety disorder so that really doesn't help. I'm very well prepared, it's going to be a great trip and a much deserved 10-day vacation. I'm just anxious. Obviously. I've got lots of entertainment (music, books on tape, etc.) and snack food and caffeine. I can do it.

My sister-in-law has been making 10-hour trips from Michigan to Minnesota like three times a year since she was 16. My stepmother moved from Michigan to Boston with three children all by herself. One of my bosses has driven from here to Michigan with her two kids alone. Others do it. I can do it. I'm perfectly fine. I'll stop every three hours and take breaks and my car has been looked at and we just got the warranty extended and I have an atlas and I can change a tire and I know how to take care of myself, damnit!

I'm a big girl.

Graduation

Graduating is scary. I don't think I've been so scared in my whole life. Making sure everything is done and leaving your school and your friends. Then, for some, leaving your home and your family. It's sad and it's difficult. But in places like Michigan, it's necessary.

I think being done with school is as difficult as it is because you are losing an identity that you have had almost your entire life. As a student. After 16 years of being in school, all you've ever been for the most part is a student. There's just such a safeness in it. You have your parents still and aren't expected to take care of yourself completely. You're surrounded by others your age who are going through many of the same things you are. You have teachers and mentors and professors to help you along the way. You have health insurance through your parents.

Leaving school just felt like such a loss. Don't get me wrong. Graduating was one of the best experiences of my life. I can't even begin to describe how proud I felt on that day. It was amazing. I'm sure it will be a long time before I feel that kind of emotional high again. Getting to walk across the stage at Van Andel Arena was so cool. A place usually reserved for huge concerts and instead 10,000 students are celebrating an accomplishment together.

I miss my family. I miss them so much. I cried for weeks before I left. Weeks. I still cry now, when I think about it. I try not to think about it too much. And call my family every couple days. I miss my brother and sister-in-law and niece. My parents. My grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. I miss my friends. What makes me quite sad is that in the past couple years my sister-in-law and I have gotten pretty close and our relationship has changed a lot. I look up to her a lot, she's an amazing mother and wife. And she and I can just talk for hours, and it's always great. I'm sad that I had to leave these things behind. For the first time ever, a week or so before I left, my niece came and laid on the couch with me to snuggle. She's never done that with me before and it made me so happy. She is a child who is always moving. Even when she was an infant she didn't want to be cuddled or snuggled often. She wanted to MOVE and STRETCH. She's a beautiful girl. I have never, ever loved a child like I love her. I wasn't sure if it was possible for me, to be honest. I've never been around children or babysat or liked them even. But she's amazing. And I admire my brother so much. He is such a great person. And my parents are my parents. I love and miss them so much. They are my source of advice and comfort.

Now, in Virginia, I sit and look for jobs. It tears my brain apart to wait for people to call me for interviews or to know if I've been hired or not. It should get better soon. I hope.

Jealousy

I hate it that I can't even look at engaged women and think good thoughts. It just makes me frustrated and sad and sometimes even angry (depending on who it is).

I know someone who dated his girlfriend for only four months (they had met just prior to dating) and now they're engaged. All I can think is that they have never even had to put any work into their relationship because they haven't been dating long enough to do so. And she's younger than me!

I've been with my boyfriend for over three and a half years, going on four, without any sort of engagement in sight. I just keep thinking that it isn't fair. He's done with college. I'm nearly done (only a semester late). What makes me more sad is that he has been out of school for almost six months. He started his job in August. He has since purchased an XBox 360, some video games and a 42" HDTV. And I know he deserves to have these kinds of things after being finished with four years of college... but it just makes me feel like he cares more about electronics than me. And I'm afraid that I'm not worth as much as those things are to him. Traditionally a man is supposed to spend about one month's pay on an engagement ring but when we were talking about these things seemed to think it was absolutely ridiculous. But spending thousands on electronics? No problem. He deserves it.

And I'm crying late at night by myself after staring at engagement rings for an hour and glaring at Facebook profiles of girls who are engaged.

And even worse than being sad, is that I detest myself for feeling this way. I feel like such a shitty person for thinking these things. I worry that I'm too materialistic or that I'm too girly or I'm putting too much unnecessary pressure on Steve or that I'm stupid because I'm probably too young to be engaged anyway. (I'm 22.) I mean, after four years, why not wait another four, right? Or better yet, why even move in that direction. If everything is fine as is, why change it?

Oh my gosh. I feel like such a bitch saying all of this. And the tears just aren't stopping. I'm going to go cry in my own bed now. Perhaps I'll fall asleep and forget all about it.

History

Why do people cheat?

No one has cheated on me in recent years. But I was just thinking back to a relationship from ... about six years ago. I'm just curious to know. Is it really more difficult to tell someone that you want to sleep with other people than to just leave them?

Except he didn't even want to leave me. Begged me to stay. If you desire to sleep with other people, how can you want to stay in your current relationship? (Other than people who willingly have healthy open relationships.) What made him feel the need to cheat and then beg me to stay Things ended so badly after that.

Sometimes I kind of wish I could just ask him. Why did you do it? Why did you break my soul? I just couldn't comprehend it and I fell into a deep depression for a few months. Tortured myself with my thoughts every minute of every day. I wanted to be with him and I wanted to hurt him at the same time.

It still hurts when I think about it and it makes me hope that he felt some ounce of the pain that I felt. I've let go of it for the most part, really. But it is a feeling you never forget. I suppose I'm glad that I had that lesson. I could never do that to anyone else.

Which is why I'm glad I have the relationship I have now. I trust him with everything I have. And I think even if things did go badly in the future, I could handle it better. I think if it ever happened again I would know how to condense the pain and not hurt for so long. Pick myself up faster.

I don't even know why I'm thinking of these things right now. I guess it's because of the books that I read (chick lit). And I'm in philosophy class and I'd rather philosophize on my own about things other than class matters.

Philosophy of Religion turned out to be not as enticing as some of my other religion classes. Unfortunately.

Seven weeks of hell

I didn't think my last semester of college would be that difficult. I only have four classes and they are pretty easy for the most part. They require mostly writing, which is what I do. How could it be any more difficult, right?

One of my more difficult classes is Philosophy of Religion. I can bull shit the hell out of my papers to the point where I pass just fine. For the most part I understand all of the assigned reading. I look up some archaic word every now and then. The only problem I have is with people in class, philosophy majors saying these insane things that I just can't place with the reading. Mmm, yes, the works of Saint Augustine, lovely. Confessions... yes his life journey. Wait — why are we now talking about evolution? Whatever. I get through it really. I'm just quiet in class, which is unusual. I can deal with that class. I'll do fine enough to get a decent grade, I'm absolutely sure of it. I'll probably get a B or a B+.

But the class that I hate — the one that makes me want to rip my hair out and slam my head on the pavement — is my capstone class. It's the class that all seniors have to take to round out their majors. It's grouped by school basically. I'm a journalism major in the School of Communications, but my capstone class is Issues in Communication and I take it with other COM majors (photography, film and video, health communications, general communications, advertising and PR, etc.).

The problem is that my professor has decided to make the entire class about space and place. It should really be called The Philosophy of Space and Place. Instead of talking about issues in the communications industry (which is what the class is supposed to be), we talk about what makes a space a place. Or why a space is simply a space and not a place. Or how people are affected by a space and/or place. And the whole thing is bull shit. I mean absolutely terrible!

I hope to find out how much work I have to actually do to pass the class and do only that work. Because this professor is wasting my time with his stupid space and place lectures and readings and papers.

We had to write a 10-page bibliography on the research that we are using for our final paper. Now we have to write a 10-page proposal on what our final paper is going to be. That means that we are writing 20 pages of preparation to write a 20-page paper!!! How ludicrous is that!?!

Well, anyway, I suppose I should read or do some homework or something.

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Finished

All I want is out of here.
To leave this place and float away.
Moving on to plaster dreams,
Hopeful landmarks and four-lane streets.
Some hills and trees I've never seen,
A new life with a new meaning.
To meet a love I've missed so long,
And call this strange place my new home.
Closer still, the days they pass,
Until I leave and don't look back.

-by LeslieAnn