Jealousy

I hate it that I can't even look at engaged women and think good thoughts. It just makes me frustrated and sad and sometimes even angry (depending on who it is).

I know someone who dated his girlfriend for only four months (they had met just prior to dating) and now they're engaged. All I can think is that they have never even had to put any work into their relationship because they haven't been dating long enough to do so. And she's younger than me!

I've been with my boyfriend for over three and a half years, going on four, without any sort of engagement in sight. I just keep thinking that it isn't fair. He's done with college. I'm nearly done (only a semester late). What makes me more sad is that he has been out of school for almost six months. He started his job in August. He has since purchased an XBox 360, some video games and a 42" HDTV. And I know he deserves to have these kinds of things after being finished with four years of college... but it just makes me feel like he cares more about electronics than me. And I'm afraid that I'm not worth as much as those things are to him. Traditionally a man is supposed to spend about one month's pay on an engagement ring but when we were talking about these things seemed to think it was absolutely ridiculous. But spending thousands on electronics? No problem. He deserves it.

And I'm crying late at night by myself after staring at engagement rings for an hour and glaring at Facebook profiles of girls who are engaged.

And even worse than being sad, is that I detest myself for feeling this way. I feel like such a shitty person for thinking these things. I worry that I'm too materialistic or that I'm too girly or I'm putting too much unnecessary pressure on Steve or that I'm stupid because I'm probably too young to be engaged anyway. (I'm 22.) I mean, after four years, why not wait another four, right? Or better yet, why even move in that direction. If everything is fine as is, why change it?

Oh my gosh. I feel like such a bitch saying all of this. And the tears just aren't stopping. I'm going to go cry in my own bed now. Perhaps I'll fall asleep and forget all about it.