Jealousy

I hate it that I can't even look at engaged women and think good thoughts. It just makes me frustrated and sad and sometimes even angry (depending on who it is).

I know someone who dated his girlfriend for only four months (they had met just prior to dating) and now they're engaged. All I can think is that they have never even had to put any work into their relationship because they haven't been dating long enough to do so. And she's younger than me!

I've been with my boyfriend for over three and a half years, going on four, without any sort of engagement in sight. I just keep thinking that it isn't fair. He's done with college. I'm nearly done (only a semester late). What makes me more sad is that he has been out of school for almost six months. He started his job in August. He has since purchased an XBox 360, some video games and a 42" HDTV. And I know he deserves to have these kinds of things after being finished with four years of college... but it just makes me feel like he cares more about electronics than me. And I'm afraid that I'm not worth as much as those things are to him. Traditionally a man is supposed to spend about one month's pay on an engagement ring but when we were talking about these things seemed to think it was absolutely ridiculous. But spending thousands on electronics? No problem. He deserves it.

And I'm crying late at night by myself after staring at engagement rings for an hour and glaring at Facebook profiles of girls who are engaged.

And even worse than being sad, is that I detest myself for feeling this way. I feel like such a shitty person for thinking these things. I worry that I'm too materialistic or that I'm too girly or I'm putting too much unnecessary pressure on Steve or that I'm stupid because I'm probably too young to be engaged anyway. (I'm 22.) I mean, after four years, why not wait another four, right? Or better yet, why even move in that direction. If everything is fine as is, why change it?

Oh my gosh. I feel like such a bitch saying all of this. And the tears just aren't stopping. I'm going to go cry in my own bed now. Perhaps I'll fall asleep and forget all about it.

History

Why do people cheat?

No one has cheated on me in recent years. But I was just thinking back to a relationship from ... about six years ago. I'm just curious to know. Is it really more difficult to tell someone that you want to sleep with other people than to just leave them?

Except he didn't even want to leave me. Begged me to stay. If you desire to sleep with other people, how can you want to stay in your current relationship? (Other than people who willingly have healthy open relationships.) What made him feel the need to cheat and then beg me to stay Things ended so badly after that.

Sometimes I kind of wish I could just ask him. Why did you do it? Why did you break my soul? I just couldn't comprehend it and I fell into a deep depression for a few months. Tortured myself with my thoughts every minute of every day. I wanted to be with him and I wanted to hurt him at the same time.

It still hurts when I think about it and it makes me hope that he felt some ounce of the pain that I felt. I've let go of it for the most part, really. But it is a feeling you never forget. I suppose I'm glad that I had that lesson. I could never do that to anyone else.

Which is why I'm glad I have the relationship I have now. I trust him with everything I have. And I think even if things did go badly in the future, I could handle it better. I think if it ever happened again I would know how to condense the pain and not hurt for so long. Pick myself up faster.

I don't even know why I'm thinking of these things right now. I guess it's because of the books that I read (chick lit). And I'm in philosophy class and I'd rather philosophize on my own about things other than class matters.

Philosophy of Religion turned out to be not as enticing as some of my other religion classes. Unfortunately.

Seven weeks of hell

I didn't think my last semester of college would be that difficult. I only have four classes and they are pretty easy for the most part. They require mostly writing, which is what I do. How could it be any more difficult, right?

One of my more difficult classes is Philosophy of Religion. I can bull shit the hell out of my papers to the point where I pass just fine. For the most part I understand all of the assigned reading. I look up some archaic word every now and then. The only problem I have is with people in class, philosophy majors saying these insane things that I just can't place with the reading. Mmm, yes, the works of Saint Augustine, lovely. Confessions... yes his life journey. Wait — why are we now talking about evolution? Whatever. I get through it really. I'm just quiet in class, which is unusual. I can deal with that class. I'll do fine enough to get a decent grade, I'm absolutely sure of it. I'll probably get a B or a B+.

But the class that I hate — the one that makes me want to rip my hair out and slam my head on the pavement — is my capstone class. It's the class that all seniors have to take to round out their majors. It's grouped by school basically. I'm a journalism major in the School of Communications, but my capstone class is Issues in Communication and I take it with other COM majors (photography, film and video, health communications, general communications, advertising and PR, etc.).

The problem is that my professor has decided to make the entire class about space and place. It should really be called The Philosophy of Space and Place. Instead of talking about issues in the communications industry (which is what the class is supposed to be), we talk about what makes a space a place. Or why a space is simply a space and not a place. Or how people are affected by a space and/or place. And the whole thing is bull shit. I mean absolutely terrible!

I hope to find out how much work I have to actually do to pass the class and do only that work. Because this professor is wasting my time with his stupid space and place lectures and readings and papers.

We had to write a 10-page bibliography on the research that we are using for our final paper. Now we have to write a 10-page proposal on what our final paper is going to be. That means that we are writing 20 pages of preparation to write a 20-page paper!!! How ludicrous is that!?!

Well, anyway, I suppose I should read or do some homework or something.

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Finished

All I want is out of here.
To leave this place and float away.
Moving on to plaster dreams,
Hopeful landmarks and four-lane streets.
Some hills and trees I've never seen,
A new life with a new meaning.
To meet a love I've missed so long,
And call this strange place my new home.
Closer still, the days they pass,
Until I leave and don't look back.

-by LeslieAnn

Only a dream

I have dreams at night that my boyfriend will leave me or stops loving me or runs off with another girl. I want to cry and scream when they happen. When I wake up I just want to run to him.

I don't know if it's because I truly think it will happen or if it's because I'm so afraid that it could.

I had another last night. I slept so fitfully and felt so horrible when I woke up. I just want to graduate from college so I can go be with him. After living with him for a year, being apart again isn't that bad. I know it won't be long.

When I do have these dreams, I usually walk over to him and just hug him. He knows every time I do this I've had another, even though I don't say anything.

I have these great ideas and hopes of how our lives will be in the future. I think it can only get better, because the past three and a half years have been the best of my life.

I love him so much. He is the most wonderful person I have ever known. I can't wait to move to Virginia.

The next three months won't go by fast enough for me.